Where Did These Attitudes Come From?

Following on from my last post about what makes your bad habits tick, today I will look at the mentality behind each of the attitudes listed, and a simple suggestion on where to start looking and reflecting about yourself, so that you can deal with the cause, and start opening yourself up to the possibility of healthy changes.

'I'm the way I am, and that's that.'

On the surface, this might seem like a very convenient attitude. You will not have to change, and others can either like it or leave it. It could end up making you a lonely person though, if others decide they would rather leave it than put up with it.

Start thinking about where you have learnt to believe that change is impossible, and then open your mind about it.

'I'm probably too stupid to change my habit.'

'Nothing I do can ever be good enough.'

'My self-criticisms are mostly justified.'

Each of these attitudes are learnt responses. No child thinks that they are too stupid, without first having been told or shown that they are not good enough.

Start thinking about the origins of your self-criticism. At what point did you learn to believe that you are not good enough?

'It's self indulgent to want to be happier.'

There is no point in constantly bemoaning your fate. That does not mean it is self-indulgent to look at and change what is making you unhappy in life. Your own happiness should be all-important if you want to make others happy, so working on your own contentment is actually very altruistic.

Start thinking about where you learnt to believe that your feelings do not count.

'Life is hard.'

'I am an unlucky person. Always have been. Always will be.'

'There's no point in me trying to change anything. It won't make a difference.'

These are all sweeping statements that often lack observation. Chances are when you look at your life, you will be able to find memories of times when life was easier and when things went well for you.

Start thinking where it was that you learnt to believe that you have no control over your life.

'I need to be hard on myself or I won't do anything right.'

'If I can only change by getting someone to help me, it doesn't count.'

Where does this regime of self-punishement come from? It is likely a learnt behaviour of over-strict parents, teachers or other adults. Alternatively, it may also be the consequence of a past failure or shortcoming.

Start thinking where you learnt to believe that you need to make up for a past failure or shortcoming.

'I'm too frightened to consider changing myself and my habits.'

Fears can be based on facts or they can exist only in your mind. If you were shouted down the last time you uttered a dissenting view to your partner, that is a fact. If you are afraid you left the iron on and check it numerous times before you leave the house every day, then your fear is irrational.

Start thinking whether or not there is a factual basis to your fear.

'When others give me a hard time, it's because I deserve it.'

'Other people can change, but I can't.'

Where does this glorification of others come from? Why are others better than you? Why are they always right? This is a child's belief in which adults are high up on a pedestal. Remember thought, that the great are only great because we are on our knees.

Start thinking about what fears stop you from taking charge of your life.

'I don't deserve to be happier.'

If all the other statements are unhelpful, this one is the biggest and most destructive one. It comes from a sense of deep self-loathing and possibly depression.

Start thinking where you learnt to believe so strongly that you are worthless.

You may notice that the 'start thinking' advice askes you to reflect on where you learnt to believe a particular thing. This is because many of the beliefs we hold today about ourselves or the world around us were initiated by past experiences, sometimes going back as far as childhood.

No matter where the origins of your problematic habit lie, you will benefit from first identifiying the cause and then from developing new personal resources. These can help you change the detrimental petterns that were established through an emotional link with past events or present unhappy relationships or circumstances.