The Trick Behind A Powerful No

Many people find it extremely difficult to say no to other people when they ask us to do something, even if doing it will cause us great inconvenience. We believe that a refusal will seem unfriendly or even hostile and that people will not like us if we say no to them. Yet this is quite untrue - saying no in the right situation may not only alleviate stress on you but also command respect from other people.

The very fact that this post is happening on Sunday night instead of Friday was the direct result of the aftermath created by me not saying no to people when I needed to, resulting in a massive overload of time-pressed tasks I had to complete to my own detriment (pure exhaustion). I knew when I said yes to certain requests that it was going to be too much to handle, yet I didn't do the right thing and stand up for myself and say no.

I've come to realise, that by not being assertive and putting my foot down with certain people, I am just enabling them to continue taking advantage of my time, skill set and generosity. Don't get me wrong, I like helping people out of a jam, but when doing so repeatedly is constantly getting me into a frustrating time crunch, the buck has to stop somewhere! So why do I keep letting it happen?

Learning to say no is a natural part of development. Yet for most people, I do not think at any point we ever got taught how to say no effectively. I mean we learnt the word no as toddlers. We chanted it as children when being asked to do chores or go to bed. We yelled it as teenagers when being told we had to get off the phone or do our homework. Some of us are great at saying no when someone uses a cheesy pick up line on us.

That is all instinctual. We learn from watching others. Or watching others on TV. But few of us ever learn a clear concise way to say no effectively. So let me shed some light and spell it out.

The Path To The Perfectly Assertive No

• Breathe deeply.
• Be firm in your vocal tone and body language.
• Start you answer with the word no.
• Keep the reply short and clear, but not abrupt.
• Give the real reason for refusing; don't invent excuses.
• Avoid "I can't" phrases; use "I'd prefer not" or "I'd rather not."
• Don't apologise profusely, if at all (one "I'm sorry" will suffice).
• Acknowledge the requester by name.
• Ask for more information if needed.
• Ask for more time if needed.

If the other person repeats their request or persists in assuming that you will comply, calmly use the following techniques:

• Repeat your refusal.
• Slow down and emphasise the words you are repeating.
• If you did not state your reason the first time, do so.
• Don't search for better reasons.

So go on, decide what you want and say no to the rest. It won't hurt a bit, I promise. Just remember, being assertive and saying no doesn't make you a bad person! One day soon I might examine the thought processes behind people's fear of saying no, but for now - I'm going to go take my own advice and say no to something!